When I read an article in the paper about the decline in the use of marmalade I felt compelled with a sense of national duty to rush out to the market and buy some oranges and get ‘lading’ to use a completely made up term. Alas, I really couldn’t be bothered, so I went to the supermarket instead and bought the suggested brew, Frank Coopers Vintage. The favoured choice of James Bond, Scott of the Antarctic and (now) Me. Quite a line up of heroes …I’m sure you’ll agree.

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So to make this delicious treat, you will need:

Marmalade- something like Frank Cooper’s or alternatively my particular favourite, Three fruits marmalade made by ‘Stella fae the church’, in a small town in the north east of Scotland -for more information, please contact me.
Bread- I prefer sourdough from the bakery that I work at but most kinds of bread will do, if possible, without mould. -remember the old adage: ‘Any bread in a storm’ [sic]
Butter- salted (again, try and find some that isn’t mouldy, I find it really affects the flavour)
A cup of tea- optional but recommended

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Method:

 

Toast the bread quasi-fiercely so that you get a lovely golden brown hue on the face of the toast, no burnt bits, but cooked enough so that you really get the pronounced complexity of flavours that the bread may or may not be able to afford you. You ideally want a soft ‘fluffage’ in the mid section of the bread so ensure that you toast it hot and quick. You should be able to achieve all this by putting the bread in your toaster and following the manufacturer’s instructions. The next stage, buttering- is a contentious issue, but I feel that having had private lessons on separate occasions from none other than buttering experts Mr. Iain Robb Esq. and my Grandfather, I have become somewhat of an expert in the field.

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Start with a clean bone handled butter knife and room temperature butter (best kept in a butter dish- never the fridge!!), next find a stable surface and place on it a plate or buttering board (butteringboards.com). Put your slightly cooled piece of toast flat on the board/ plate, turn it 45 degrees (know as ‘spreaders tangent’ in professional circles). Next load the knife with a knob of butter the size of a large half-pecan nut. This next part will be done for the benefit of right hander’s- if you are left handed, read the next part reflected through a small mirror.

 

Hold the bread in your left hand, knife at spreader’s tangent to the toast (already aligned at spreader’s tangent) and drag the butter along the top of the face of the toast leaving an even and smooth trail of butter, upon reaching the corner, make a 90 degree direction change (again in professional circles know as the ‘switcheroo’) from the switcheroo come down to the bottom right hand corner (the ‘tack’) then cut left to the left hand bottom corner (the ‘clew’). (Those of you out there who are keen sailors will have noticed that the toast corners have the same names as the bottom corners of a sail, sailing as we all know, was invented after toast so therefore these names are one of the many great things that toast has given to the world of sailing). Your toast will now have a buttery ] shape on it, all that remains is the three last movements: the Western ridge, the penultimate challenge and the Lap of Glory.

 

The Western ridge is named after the third most difficult part of Everest to climb, and unfortunately where a lot of spreaders simply ‘run out of butter’ so, PROCEED WITH CAUTION. Making sure you have enough butter at this point is a good idea, you may find you have fallen victim to one of two of buttering’s most amateur mistakes:
1: Not enough butter in the first place- this is often common amongst arrogant young males, feeling that their under-honed technique and just-do-it attitude will get them through. Well, quite often it won’t, so remember to plan ahead, you don’t want to get caught out in the field with a half buttered piece of toast.

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: Not adhering to the rules of spreader’s tangent, thus depositing uneven amounts of butter along the initial part of the journey (and yes it is a journey) and getting almost to the end and having to re-trace your steps. Spreader’s tangent was devised by a team of ex-potato-board scientists in a secret laboratory during rationing days, it was to ensure that the nation got the best butter coverage during times when good coverage was important.

 

Next using a clean teaspoon or marmaladle, complete the process by putting marmalade onto the butter, using the skills that you have learnt in the earlier butter section. I feel if you have bothered to read that part and have taken on even some of the important points you should find that your own style will come naturally.

 

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So there you have it a rather over wordy article that peters off a bit towards the end detailing the rudiments of a process that you had probably never realised you were royally cocking up. ….Sit back relax and enjoy the fact that you are now relatively erudite. (and are also holding a rather joyously topped piece of toast!)